Acker, K. (1994) - My Mother - Demonology, A Novel

I wrote: *The child's eyes pierce the night. I'm a sleepwalker trying to clear away the shadows, but when sound asleep, kneel in front of their crucifix and Virgin.

Holy images covered every wall of my parents' house.
Their house had the immobility of a nightmare.
The first color I knew was that of horror.*
Almost everything that I know and can know about my pre adult life lies not in memories but in these writings.
Religion:
Days and nights all there was was a sordid and fearful childhood. Morality wore the habit of religion. Mortal sin or the Saint of Sunday and the Ashes of Wednesday kept on judging me. Thus condemnation and repression crushed me even before I was born. Childhood was stolen from children. p.8

They laugh waterfalls of scorn down on us. If any speech comes out of us, it appears as nonsense; when the adults answered me, I puked. My few cries, like dead leaves tumbled by winds, climbed out of my body and vaporised. p.9

A lying, hypocritical society turns around the grave of the holes in the garden of childhood.

I had to return home.
I didn't want to escape my parents because I hated them but because I was wild. Wild children are honest. My mother wanted to command me to the point that I no longer existed. My father was so gentle, he didn't exist. I remained uneducated or wild because I was imprisoned by my mother and had no father.
My Body was all I had
A a a a I don't know what language is. One one one one I shall never learn to count p.10

wild children - Ahmed, S () - Willful Subjects

"And after that, I would be anxious to annihilate my hatred, my double bind" Double bind Disability Double-bind