To Be A Girl

Prickly hypercritical hyperlexic child
So difficult to talk to follow
when did this newborn find the time
to swallow the thesaurus
on another midnight ramble
another perch another burrow
another sofabed rescued
from abandoned student furnishings
piled in skips and foraged
by the feral campus children organised
by this strange and wayward creature
so ambitious so frustrated
so difficult to talk to follow
always circling back on itself
so sensitive

Too long ago, and not that long.
my mother told me again for the first time in years
that she loved me, of course she loved me
but if she didn't have to she might not bother
she's never liked me
wouldn't know me if she'd had a choice

But my older niece is sometimes like me
And I can't imagine not liking her
and I am sometimes like my mother
and I think often that's the problem
and I hope one day she'll like herself
enough to love herself
through the things we have in common

Girls aren't meant to be bossy and I was trying so hard to be a girl.
Girls aren't meant to be "mini professors" and I was trying so hard to be a girl
Girls aren't meant to be argumentative and I was trying so hard to be a girl
Girls aren't meant to be fat and I was trying so hard to be a girl
Girls should nurture, Girls should care,
Girls should grin and bear it take it hold it trust it watch
And watch and pick it up perceive and
I was trying so hard to be a girl.

I think sometimes, despite divorcing "Girl" to run off with "It's complicated"
Despite learning along the way that Girls aren't meant to be anything other than themselves
I'm still trying to be the daughter my mother wanted me to be.